Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
