What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
