you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
