So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
