I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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