my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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