maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
