life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Acid is not a monday night drug
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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