no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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