so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You did what with his pubic hair?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
