woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
