Umm I'm too high to move.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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