You're completely useless in the revolution.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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