just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
