My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
