one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
