Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
