I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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