Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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