ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Houston, we have a squirter
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
