woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
This beer is not sobering me up at all
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
