The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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