Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Randomize
