I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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