You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
