took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
