roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
