You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
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Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
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I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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