I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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