guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
