he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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