if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
