I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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