he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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