I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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