Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Im part way to drunk.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
