I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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