I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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