I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I booty called her while she was in labor.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
