She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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