So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
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Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
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He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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