I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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