At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
