he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Dick very happy bro
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
