if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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