In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
