I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
