go do what you do best...puke behind churches
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
