it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
