the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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