I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
