i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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