I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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