Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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