Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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