But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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