I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
