I am puke
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
