i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
