your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
